How to prepare for a holiday in Ibiza
Ladies and Gentlemen. In preparation for take off, please ensure your seatbelt is fastened, your tray-table is stowed, and your seat is in the upright position. In preparation for your time in Ibiza, please ensure you’ve polished your shiny disco shoes, you’ve read this handy get-ready guide, and you’ve mentally prepared yourself for the best week of your life. Squeal!!!!!
As the old saying goes, proper preparation prevents poor performance. And in no place in the world will your poor performance be as unacceptable as the white isle of Ibiza. Banging clubs in Berlin, buck’s parties in Las Vegas, music festivals right across Europe – nothing, we repeat: NOTHING, will compare. So let’s get ready, shall we?
Step one: save some serious cash
If, like many of us, you enjoy a good drink or ten and want to smash down at least one flamboyant meal between the night hours (because: holidays), then you’re going to need a bit of cash up your sleeve. One drink in a club in Ibizia averages out at around 18 euros, and club entry fees don’t usually drop below 50 euros. If ‘saving money’ isn’t exactly a dot point under Capabilities on your resume, you can tap into numerous package deals with companies that will sort your accommodation along with club entry and drink deals. This will ensure you’re not left alone, hungry and shaking in the corner of your hotel room after an epic blow out on night one. NB: It’s also a good idea to go to the supermarket and stock up on supplies early on in the trip – yes, you are preparing for the apocalypse.
Step two: put on a bit of weight
Keen to discover more places to party?
Step three: detox
Good, you’re listening. This may sound like a contradiction, but there’s a method to our madness. For every cut of roast lamb have a side of sautéed spinach, for every heavily buttered slice of thick cut toast have a fresh juice with ginger and kale. You don’t just want a bit of weight in reserves, you need some vitamins and minerals on stand by, too. Still following?
Step four: buy yourself some saucy swimwear
A feather flapping triangle bikini, a diamanté crusted one piece that barely covers your bits, anything that reveals a little too much behind. Purchase those. Travelling to Ibiza is the chance to let your red-hot raving ways shine through in your swimwear. Chances are you will spend most of your waking hours dressed for the sea, so make sure you’ve got at least 3 pairs. Forget being body conscious or subdued, Ibiza loves all shapes and sizes and the more outrageous the better. You may also wish to consider some sort of kimono-esque attire and day fancy shoes to get your swimwear clad self from A to B like the classy, sexy minx that you are. Meow.
Boys, we dunno. Find some fancy swimming shorts and thank the Gods you’re not a female.
Step five: acclimatise yourself to the concept of clubbing alone
They don’t call them Super Clubs because you have a super fun time at them. It’s their super big size that awards them this title. A quick trip to the bar, a mad dash to the bathroom, or a moment of closed eyes for a bit of dance floor romance and you are likely to end up on your little old lonesome. Embrace the concept of being alone; if nothing else it’s a chance to dance like no one (you know) is watching.
Step six: get to know the ins and outs of the EDM world
What’s EDM, you say? Oh for the love of a good club, you have a lot of work to do. It stands for Electronic Dance Music, dear clubbing amateur, and you better get to know it really well before making your way to the white isle. Just having “heard of Carl Cox” or “liking David Guetta” is not going to fly. Get ready to converse over the discovery of acid house, the BPM (that’s Beats Per Minute, FYI) variations between Dream Trance and Deep Trance, and the pros and cons of the full calendar of club nights across the island. This sort of prep work may involve copious amounts of pre-trip clubbing, hours of Internet research and flash cards for self-examination. Never fear grasshopper, even Steve Aoki was an amateur at one stage.
Step seven: deal with every problem in your life. Friendship dramas, past relationship baggage; the lot
Let’s be straight, if you’re heading to Ibiza and plan to get in the spirit of Ibiza, it’s somewhat probable you will find yourself a little battered at least once during your trip. And the last thing you want is to be “that person” who’s found sitting on the street curb, a crumbling mess of smeared make-up and splattering emotions, dialing home to that silly fool who “should’ve treated you better”. Party safe and leave your emotional baggage in the overhead compartment so we can all enjoy our splendid Spanish holiday.
You’ve got this!
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